Tips

I’ll be honest here – I got a little lazy this year. As much as I usually love offering tips and pointers and whatnot, I didn’t finish this crap until late Saturday afternoon and since I want to give my web guru Z at least an hour or so to get this thing finished, I had to skimp a little on the tips and whatnot this year.

• My thoughts for Cinderella/dark horse picks this year…VCU, Dayton and maybe Sienna.
• The talking boners on your television are going to hype upset picks until they’re blue in the face. While the 5 vs. 12 matchup gets the most attention for upsets, I personally prefer the 4 vs. 13. Regardless of how you pick, don’t go too crazy with your upset picks or you’ll be fucked. As in proper fucked. As in drop to your knees in utter disbelief like Karen Crowder after meeting Shiva, The God of Death fucked.
• Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick it once and you’ll suck forever.
• If the person you’re dating or living with or banging or doing whatever you’re doing with is really, really pulling for their alma matter in the tournament and they end up losing a close game, it’s OK to give them a little shit. Texting them to ask if they want to “bang it out” makes you a tacky loser.
• I’m not sure if Boise has that same altitude thing as Denver…but if it does I don’t think teams playing there will do very well because of that thing that high altitude does to your blood. I’d go into more detail, but you know that class in which you were supposed to learn about high altitude and the effect it has on your blood (Biology? Chemistry? Anyone? Anyone?) Whatever class that was, that was the class where I’m pretty sure I spent an unhealthy amount of time staring at Kristen Gonzalez instead of learning about blood altitude stuff so I couldn’t give you an answer if I was at fucking gunpoint. I’m not sure where I’m going with this so let’s just move on.
• I forbid you from picking any teams that have a buffalo- or bison-related team name. Why, you ask? Because as soon as I see or hear about buffalo or bison I’m going to be reminded of this Oklahoma schmaschmortion. I’m a marketing guy. A marketing guy who would stab his own father (in a fleshy part of the triceps probably…nothing life threatening, mind you) to be the Vice President of Marketing for a professional sports franchise. I guaranfuckingtee you that I could show up in Oklahoma Shity fucked-in-half drunk, high from sniffing glue with vomit caked in my hair and still come up with a plan that is eleventy three times better than the dickholes who came up with that “Rumble the Buffalo” mess.
• JD’s players to keep an eye on this year: Eric Maynor and Larry Sanders of VCU; Derrick Brown of Xavier; DeJuan Blair of Pittsburgh; Da’Sean Butler of West Virginia and Jonny Flynn of Syracuse.

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